Under Her Skin
by Laren Goldstar
Summary: One-Shot, the emotions and thoughts surrounding Lily's first kiss - LilyRemus, LilyJames


A/N: Hey all…this is just a quick one-shot idea I had, closely based on a real-life experience. Hope you enjoy. I own nothing here but the plot.

**Under Her Skin**

"SHUT UP!" she yelled, frustration echoing through the small enclave. "Just LEAVE ME ALONE!"

And then she disappeared back into the small study room, slamming the door behind her as she went. Outside she vaguely heard the snickers and shocked exclamations, but, fuming and fighting a growing urge to punch the wall, or preferably, smash a certain _someone's_ face in, she barely noticed when a very angry Madame Pince came out to discover the source of the disturbance.

Eventually, pacing around the tiny room while muttering furiously under her breath, some of her anger was spent, but inside, deep inside, her gut still clenched and unclenched with unrelieved tension and frustration…a good deal of it at herself.

Why? Why was it that _every_ time he did it, _every single time_…she'd just lose it? This was nothing like her. She was a well-known 'good' girl, happy, smart, outgoing, and usually quite patient. But somehow…somehow he just got under her skin.

"Dammit!!" she exploded, on the verge of bursting violently out of the room to give him a piece of her mind when a face appeared at the window, smiling tentatively at her. Sighing, she smiled back and opened the door, doing her best to contain her raging inner turmoil before talking.

"Remus," she greeted him. "Hi."

"Lily," he responded, and, getting a better look at her face, his expression instantly changed. "Are you – alright?"

There it was. That look that meant he cared about her, as more than just friends. It was nice, but almost sappy, too pleading, and it reminded her so vividly of the words he'd written to her a year before, words in which he'd offered her his heart. Inexperienced and unsure of what she really wanted, she had callously stomped all over it and then proceeded to treat him horribly, ignoring him, only bothering to talk to one who had been one of her closest friends when absolutely necessary and even then with the venom she usually reserved for a certain messy-haired boy. And suddenly, one day, she realized what she'd done, realized how bad she'd been to him, and guilt overwhelmed her. She'd apologized, asking for his forgiveness and friendship.

_But was that really it?_ She asked herself, mentally searching for the right words to answer him. She'd received his forgiveness, and friendship…and, looking at his hope-filled eyes, something more. A logical, more rational side of her warned against repeating past mistakes, but all reason flew out of the window as she spoke, her eyes tearing up.

"No…no." she stammered, blushing and trying not to cry. She knew she looked ugly when she cried, and some vain, self-centred part of her wanted to be beautiful in front of this boy, although whether it was for him or for those he might tell, she couldn't say.

"Lily," Remus darted into the room, gently touching her arm. "Seeing as it's warm out…let's head outside for a bit, alright?"

She nodded yes, and quickly found herself a top a large rock overlooking the lake, surveying the calming scene in front them. Not too many students were outside, and so it was quiet, save for the sounds of nature and their own voices. It was a nice, companionable feeling that she both loved and hated; here she could calm down and simply _be_…but she knew she'd blurt something out that she shouldn't, her inhibitions loosened by their isolation.

It happened for the first time when he asked her about _him_, and that time, it wasn't quite so bad.

"It's just, ugh!!!" she exclaimed, throwing up her hands in utter exasperation. "Yes he's smart, good-looking, even…_charming_, I suppose, but why does he always try to torment me? It's not as if he really likes me, or something equally ridiculous."

Remus stared at the ground for a moment before meeting her eyes again, offering her a weak half smile. "No… I mean, you know he's seeing Natasha Finn, don't you?"

Right. She'd often seen them together, him and the beautiful older seventh-year Ravenclaw whom everyone seemed to like…except her. She was never quite good enough for Natasha, it seemed, and it didn't help matters much that he humiliated her on a daily basis in front of the much-admired girl.

"What – oh, yeah, of course," she said instead. "Yeah, I knew that."

Even as the words left her mouth, she knew Remus couldn't have believed her, but, for a moment, thought that she'd actually sounded somewhat convincing as he merely told her that he probably only annoyed her precisely because it annoyed her.

Smiling wryly and agreeing with his statement, she was caught completely off guard by his "Do you like James, Lily?" She snapped around to meet his gaze, her mouth opening and closing several times before she found it in herself to reply.

"No, no…quite the opposite, in fact," she stammered. And then it happened again. "And it's not like it would matter, anyway," she said, horrified at her own words. "I'm terrible when it comes to boys. They just don't like me."

_Dammit,_ she thought._ How do you do this to me? How do you make me lose control like this?! Look at what you've done to me!_ Angry and embarrassed, so upset at him for making her like this, so unreasonable and illogical, mortified that she'd said such a thoughtless statement to the one boy who'd said he loved her.

Remus was silent for a while, and she thought that maybe she'd been lucky, but suddenly his intense gaze was on her, and he spoke.

"I'd run away with you, Lily." He told her. "I still would."

"Even after last year?" she squeaked out, slapping herself mentally.

"All you'd have to do is say the word, Lily."

Somehow, and exactly how she wasn't quite sure, but somehow, she managed to salvage the conversation, steer it back to safer ground. Soon it was almost time to head back inside, and so they jumped off of the rock, landing so that they faced the lake, hidden from the view of anyone at the castle. Remus had stepped back, away from her so that she could jump down, turning to go back when she heard herself swing the conversation back, saying increasingly risky things until it finally slipped out.

It was almost a relief, actually, when she asked him "Do you want to kiss me, Remus?" as if now she knew that she'd done all the damage she could.

"Are you sure?" he stammered, and she found herself unable to look at him as she murmured yes.

All of a sudden his mouth was on hers, forcing it open and his tongue all inside her mouth, wet, so wet. She stared at his face – so close to hers, as he kissed her, and slowly, her initial disgust subsided and she closed her eyes, determined to savour her first kiss as she wrapped her arms around him. Her mind reeled, emotions swirling through her at a mile a minute, and when they finally pulled apart, both gasping and now up against the rock, she was so confused that it was all she could do to hold onto him, at the least enjoying his physical closeness and warmth. She was so small against him, her head barely coming up to his chin, so that when she murmured an incredibly embarrassing and clichéd "we should have done this a long time ago," she was infinitely grateful that she was talking into his chest.

This time around, if Remus had heard her, he ignored it, and instead kissed her again, sending her back into the swirling abyss of hormones and emotions.

Later on, after walking back into the castle hand in hand, after shyly but excitedly announcing to her best friend that 'she and Remus were together,' after apologizing to Madam Pince, he left for a meeting, and she stayed behind in the common room, laughing now and then at a joke one of her friends had made. For the most part, though, she remained silent, remembering the feel of Remus's lips on hers, his hands and arms all around her, until _he_ sat down, managing to make fun of her within seconds of his arrival.

And although she thinks of Remus, tries her best to convince herself that she wants him, wants to be with him, all she can see is _his_ smile, hear _his_ voice, and somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knows it's no use pretending, because he's always been under her skin.

A/N: Hope you liked it! Review and let me know what you thought. - Laren


End file.
